Joyceline

2006-07-24T17:46:00.000-05:00

IS IT AUGUST YET?

2006-07-22T15:42:00.000-05:00

I've been spending a lot of time by myself lately.

I guess living in a four-generation household all my life with a lot of relatives has forced me to take advantage of every possible solitary opportunity.

Everyone thinks I'm anti-social. That's not true. I'm just desperate for privacy.

I can't wait to go back to Brooklyn.

GUNDAM WING TAROT DECK!

2006-07-17T21:30:00.000-05:00

Unfortunately, only the major arcana is available for this deck. But whoever did the illustrations obviously did their homework. The pictures correlate well with the standards of conventional tarot images.

So sad to discover that it is now out of print, and never brought to the states. Only available through the collectors' market. Perhaps quite the far-fetched addition to my wishlist. Heh.

Take a look at the rest of the cards.

GVB

2006-07-08T17:43:00.000-05:00

Girls I Hate:

Girls with frighteningly thin eyebrows. I lose sleep over such things. ::Confiscates tweezers::

Girls who cat-fight. *Zig-zagging finger-snaps* *Sexy turnaround*

Girls who put on a full face of makeup in public. It's like putting on your panties in public.

Girls who regularly dress like they'll have sex with anything that has a nervous system.

Boys I Hate:

Boys with "fauxhawks." Come on now... if it's not a mohawk, then it's a no hawk.
Boys who use pick-up lines. Via the Internet. And expect them to work.
Boys who bitch about how girls bitch. But then this would make me a girl who bitches about boys who bitch about girls who bitch?
Boys who correlate their taste in women to specific body parts. Like an "ass man" or a "boob man."

Girls I Love:

Girls who aren't afraid to get dirty. Literally and figuratively.
Girls who know how to appreciate scatological humor.
Girls who can keep secrets.
Girls who can make their own clothes. Oh so lovely.

Boys I Love:

Boys who can wear pink without looking effeminate.
Boys who actually manage to smell quite nice.
Boys who exude some trace of artistic ability. There's something charming about a guy that can handle a paintbrush. Or write poetry.
Boys who have the testicular fortitude to wear luminescent scrolling marquee belt buckles. Hi, Kenneth.

THIN SKIN

2006-06-28T12:57:00.000-05:00

I think the only thing worse than being told that you're less than what you are is believing it. Or perhaps... hearing such words from people you truly care about.

I remember the days when I never gave a second thought as to what others thought about me, but suddenly it feels as though I care a little too much... Suddenly everything I am capable of is not as important as everything I am not. Suddenly I am incompetent. Suddenly I am hopeless. Suddenly my shortcomings are carved in stone. Suddenly it has become so hard to be happy.

I don't know what happened. There are a million and one things on my mind.

If only I were a little bit wiser, or tougher, or unbound, or prettier, or more aware of everything around me...

It just isn't enough to be around genuinely happy people. It isn't enough for me to rely on the cheerful transmissions of contagious laughter or the warmth of kind words anymore. I need to learn how to make myself feel better again. Somehow I think I've lost that prerogative.

SUPER...

2006-06-19T14:30:00.000-05:00

My sister's customers at work are starting to tell her that she looks a lot like Violet from The Incredibles.

Hmmm...

IT'S ALL I FEEL

2006-06-17T21:06:00.000-05:00

I was in Virginia for three weeks.

I've fallen in love with him over and over again every day for a long time, but actually, that was the longest we've been physically together. I miss him. I always miss him. I miss him so much that I still missed him when I was there. My sentiments resemble fly paper.

It's so easy to love him. It's all I feel. Maybe it's because I'm a minimalist at heart; I admire things like white flowers, Mark Rothko's paintings, girls who manage to look stunning by just wearing chapstick, William Carlos Williams' poetry, and the perpendicularity of Japanese teahouses.

THREE TO GO

2006-05-12T15:35:00.000-05:00

This past week, I was inundated with so many things to do with so little time and willingness to do it all, yet now, I find myself reveling in the sweet release of an early summer break.

My first year at art school was a memorable one. There were just as many lows as there were highs.

I made a lot of new friends. I made a lot of difficult decisions.

I made a lot of mistakes.

I feel like I have a better idea of what I want to do and accomplish as an artist, but more importantly, how I want to develop and grow as a better person. I learned a lot, and not just with what I've acquired in the studio or classroom; it was a year of creative and emotional metamorphoses.

I can't say I know exactly what I want yet. But I have an idea. That's a revolutionary step for somebody like me.

"THESE AREN'T EMPTY WORDS"

2006-04-25T12:22:00.000-05:00

"Love is beyond mistakes, failures, and flaws...all we can do is try to understand and love and care for one another."

Thanks, Melissa.

"I HAVE NOTHING TO WEAR!"

2006-04-22T22:15:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I wonder whether or not I am below the unwritten universal standards of conventional girlishness.

I am still finding it humorously difficult to grasp the subtle complexities of the female shoes-and-bags fixation. I don't pay much attention to what kind of shoes a girl is wearing, unless of course that's all she's wearing, but that would just be totally weird, and, like, so wrong... unless she had a super-cute bag to match. Then it would be okay.

Or what about the whole anti-black-and-brown phenomenon? This one can be pretty serious. A calamity of sorts. A "doozy," if you will. Such a controversial pair of colors, no? Black belt and brown shoes? Brown shirt and black pants? Is it so wrong that this combination of color fails to inflict upon me any kind of emotional discomfort?

Any self-proclaimed fashion "expert" or self-respecting metrosexual would readily spit upon my grave. Damn those vanguards of vanity.

Then again, I don't really understand much about "manliness" either. Sports. Cars. Sports cars. Technology. Power tools. Penis.

Oh my God. I'm asexual. Or is it unsexual? Nonsexual?

But at least my outfit matched today. (Except for the bag and shoes, of course).

HEADS UP

2006-04-18T22:07:00.000-05:00

Last week, I was sitting outside on the campus lawn with a few friends, reveling in the embrace of beautiful springtime weather. To my sudden shock (and slight amusement), I saw a girl get hit in the face with a frisbee.

It made me think of all those times I've encountered my own object-to-face collisions.

I've had a lollipop thrown at my head. A snowball at my mouth. Food. Paper. Articles of clothing. Writing utensils. Sand. Money. Cardboard. Pillows. Aluminum cans. Boxing gloves. Leaves. Plastic bottles. Stuffed animals. Doors. Plaster chips. Books. Paper towel rolls. Various bodyparts. Balls. (I'll leave it to you to decipher the implications of the last two.)

I LOVE GETTING [SEXUALLY-CHARGED] E-MAIL

2006-04-16T21:22:00.000-05:00

"Love your pictures, and this might sound bad but, we are looking for an attractive Asian girl to have some fun with. If this interests you, let me know. Thanks and sorry for being blunt about it."

UNTITLED

2006-04-10T13:53:00.000-05:00

I wish I had a best friend.

NAME GAME & DRAW-A-THON

2006-04-02T17:48:00.000-05:00

If you call me Joycie, then you're either an auntie or an uncle.
If you call me Jackie, then you can't tell me and my sister apart.
If you call me Sweetie, then you're Debbie.
If you call me Joyster The Oyster, then you're Sammi.
If you call me Bitch Face, then you're Melissa.
If you call me Jocelyn, then you're my 3D Design professor.
If you call me Rosa, then you were some girl from my high school freshman year gym class.
If you call me four or five times a day, then you're Kenneth.

Later this month, the school's organizing a 12-hour 'Draw-A-Thon'. Music, food, giveaways, and of course, nude models to pose for everybody. It's not just limited to students either -- everyone is welcome. The event is held annually, and they say you should participate at least once during your four years here.

Goodness, there's something strangely exciting about a late Friday night full of African drumming, eating, and naked people wandering all around you.

'EVERYONE GOES TO WILLOUGHBY'

2006-03-09T00:36:00.000-05:00

I hope I get a room in Esther Loyd Jones Hall in my sophomore year.

I don't want to live in Willoughby Hall. I don't want to have anything to do with the cockroaches, the rats, or the murderers.

I NEED A LULLABY

2006-03-03T13:11:00.000-05:00

I suppose that the people I'm most afraid of these days are those who can hurt me with, not blades or bullets, but with words. Is this simply my naivety? There's just something about its understated destruction that troubles me from the inside out. You can always pull out thorns, and learn to avoid the sticks and stones again, but words can resonate in your head and heart for as long as your stubborn memory will contain them.

I suppose that sometimes it's the little things that matter a bit more.

Oftentimes in my case, the little things are the most important things.

BOO HOO

2006-02-14T18:32:00.000-05:00

I don't like it when people peer over my shoulder while I draw. It's such a delicate and intimate process -- at least for me, anyway. If you're going to throw me blank stares while I work, you may as well do so while I sit on the toilet.

I don't like making eye contact with people in the subway for some reason, so what I usually do is look around the train car for strange advertisements. I saw one for a "Freelancers Union." Isn't that some kind of oxymoron?

I don't like it when my 2D Design professor asks me for verbal explanations of my work in front of the class. Maybe I'm just completely mindless when I do my homework. Maybe I shouldn't be an artist or a designer if the only thought that comes to mind in such situations is, "Umm... pretty colors."

Hmmm... "Valentine's Day" has the same initials as "venereal disease." Spread the love, not the infection. Happy Humping!

UNION SQUARE

2006-01-30T23:06:00.000-05:00

We celebrated her birthday a week late.

Dinner was at the Uno Chicago Grill. To our amusement, our waiter had the voice of Rex Kwon Do from Napoleon Dynamite.

Afterwards, the majority of us decided that the two hours (and $11.00) we had spent to watch The New World at the theater was two hours (and $11.00) we will never get back. Well, I liked it...

We visit the Virgin Record Store. They browse the music and movies. I peruse the books. I'd love to get a copy of Asia Bondage. Or even Pornogami or Gay Haiku. Aside from my understated fascination with erotica and sexual Asian art, I wonder what else my taste in literature says about me...

OK, AND WE'RE BACK

2006-01-16T20:48:00.000-05:00

How is it that after one month away from campus, it feels like I never left...

But what a month it's been. Okay, so only half of it was spent productively, but still. I acquired my first paying job earlier this month. Ever. Who has their first job at nineteen? Just me, apparently.

Approximately two weeks of operating printers and stuffing/re-stuffing/fanning/scanning/carrying envelopes has earned me about a thousand dollars. Not at all a bad way to start the year... or the semester, for that matter. Aside from the static electricity shocks, the blisters, the papercuts (I think I've lost like five pints of blood just through my fingers), and having to wake up at an ungodly hour, my first working experience was quite enjoyable...

In other news -- I've been tagged by Shy. I'm told to list five random facts about myself, so here...

I used to collect shiny rocks and keep them under my bed.
I usually prefer black and white photographs over color ones.
I played Mama Bear in an elementary school class skit.
If I could walk around in my underwear all day, I would.
I love the smell of coffee, but I don't like the way it tastes.

Passing this on to: Jen, Sammi, Nadine, Vangie, and Steve.

2005 IN 20 QUESTIONS

2006-01-01T19:53:00.000-05:00

What have you done in 2005 that you've never done before? - Graduated high school. Moved out to go to college. Had my first boyfriend. Snuck out of state.

What is something you didn't have in 2005 that you would like for 2006? - Money.

What dates do you consider important in 2005, and why? - January 20 was when I met Kenneth. Father's Day was when I graduated high school. August 20 was the day I moved into my dorm.

What was your favorite TV show in 2005? - Degrassi.

What was your biggest achievement of the year? - Graduating high school.

What was your biggest failure of the year? - Compromising my pride for acceptance.

What was the best thing you bought? - Plane tickets to Virginia.

Where did most of your money go? - Food, laundry, art supplies, and Metro cards.

What do you wish you had done more of? - Social interaction.

What do you wish you had done less of? - Crying.

Who was the best new person you met in 2005? - Kenneth.

Did you fall in love in 2005? - Every day.

Are there people you hate now whom you didn't hate last year? - No. I hated them back then too.

What was the best book you read in 2005? - That's easy. South Town. Haha.

How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2005? - This question doesn't apply to me; according to a certain someone, I have no personal fashion concept...

What kept you sane? - Sleep.

What political issue did you find most interesting in 2005? - Gay marriage.

Who did you miss the most in 2005? - Kenneth.

What's a valuable lesson you've learned in 2005? - People can change.

Choose a set of song lyrics that best describe your year - I've got a hunger twisting my stomach into knots that my tongue has tied off. My brain's repeating, 'if you've got an impulse, let it out.' But they never make it past my mouth.

WHY BOTHER SLEEPING ANYWAY...

2005-12-16T00:39:00.000-05:00

I survived my first college semester.

During my final critiques, my LCD and Drawing professors have noticed that I look particularly unhappy when I work -- "You always look so depressed." ... "You look bored." ... "What's the matter?"

Last Wednesday, our nude figure model looked at me and said, "What's wrong? You don't look happy."

Alas, I've come to accept the fact that no matter how much sleep I get, I'm always going to look like shit.

OH, IT'S DECEMBER AGAIN...

2005-12-10T00:43:00.000-05:00

I'm 19 today. Ahh...

Was '19' a good year for anybody?

'18' was interesting...

Legal. Graduated high school. First love. First kiss. Heartbroken for the first time. Accepted to art school. Moved out. Snuck around. Made a lot of new friends. Managed to keep the old ones too. A lot of important choices. A lot of important mistakes. There was just as much good as there was bad. There was a lot to learn.

Pardon the ambiguity, but I don't really have anything else to say about this because there's just too much I could say.

Part of me wants to do it all over again.

The other part is just glad that the year's almost over.

SAD

2005-11-27T15:49:00.000-05:00

Your Inner Child Is Sad

You're a very sensitive soul.
You haven't grown that thick skin
that most adults have. Easily hurt, you tend to
retreat to your comfort zone.
You don't let many people in...
unless you've trusted them for a long time.

Too much has been happening. I don't know where to begin (not that I would know where to end either).

Some e-mail I've received:

Hi, from San Francisco, CA -- wanted to see if you are interested in having me as a friend, and if you like GIB (Girls In Bed). Let me know, ok?

Hey my name is ****, I'm 20/m/Seaford/LI and you're beautiful... and your info is interesting... maybe we can chill, talk, or chat my sn is *********** hit me back cutie we can get to know each other -- I'm in the navy too.

What's up wanna get drunk some time and have a good time?

I was just wondering when you have time to hang out or play handball. I'm lonely and bored. I need someone to talk to!

...IN MY PANTS

2005-11-04T12:20:00.000-05:00

Any moment can teach you a lot and sometimes it takes longer than expected to learn something, and sometimes it takes a lot of pain, or a lot of love, or a lot of people, or insomnia, or just a lot of consecutive seconds until you come to some kind of twisted realization, like you begin to understand that, no, there is nothing wrong with you afterall, or that if you can't control yourself, then you have no control over anything, or that sometimes you just have to cry because tears are the only thing you can let go of, or that you'll inevitably collide with people who can break hearts as often as they break wind, or that too much love can turn into a little bit of hate, or that you aren't as weak as you thought you were without having whatever it is you thought you wanted or needed, and then you begin to move forward, thinking "what the fuck am I getting myself into?" and even if things can't go back to the way they used to be, or the way you want them to be, you still smile because you know that everything's going to be okay, because you're full of love, and compassion, and forgiveness, and every element of your affection will one day reciprocate into something beautiful, because even though you'll never be perfect, somebody somewhere will learn to love you perfectly, and you have to remember to take care of yourself in the end because in the end all you really have is you.

In other news...

(Shamelessly stolen from the lovely Saki)

~ Open your Media Player/Winamp/iTunes/etc. -- set to shuffle.
~ Skip through the first 25 songs and list them.
~ Add "In My Pants" to the end of each song title.

The Chemical Brothers - "Get Up On It Like This In My Pants"
Lola Ray - "Automatic Girl In My Pants"
Sublime - "Santeria In My Pants"
Judy And Mary - "Sobakasu In My Pants"
Dashboard Confessional - "As Lovers Go In My Pants"
Lola Ray - "What It Feels Like In My Pants"
Green Day - "Macy's Day Parade In My Pants"
Aaliyah - "More Than A Woman In My Pants"
Black Star - "Respiration In My Pants"
Ayumi Hamasaki - "Evolution In My Pants"
Death Cab For Cutie - "The Sound Of Settling In My Pants"
Selena - "I Could Fall In Love In My Pants"
Lifehouse - "Spin In My Pants"
No Doubt - "Bathwater In My Pants"
Hikaru Utada - "Simple And Clean In My Pants"
Dru Hill - "These Are The Times In My Pants"
Presidents of the United States - "Peaches In My Pants"
Janet Jackson - "I Get So Lonely In My Pants"
Pearl Jam - "Wishlist In My Pants"
Blood Hound Gang - "New Vagina In My Pants"
Rilo Kiley - "Glendora In My Pants"
Los Lonely Boys - "Heaven In My Pants"
The Chemical Brothers - "Galvanize In My Pants"
The Shins - "New Slang In My Pants"
Fenix TX - "Threesome In My Pants"

It's always good to end with a smile.

NEW IMPULSES

2005-10-25T20:54:00.000-05:00

A few Fridays ago, I woke up with the compulsion to fly to Virginia that day and stay there for the weekend. And I did. Certain people just make you go crazy sometimes...

I visited The Metropolitan Museum of Art for the first time this afternoon. Although a two-hour visit is barely enough time to absorb the grandeur and magnificence of such a place, I still took pleasure in the experience. There's something extraordinarily peculiar about visiting museums; a haunting mood of timelessness and infinity that seem to linger in the atmosphere. Everything around you has transcended countless lifetimes, all while reminding you of the impermanence of your own physical existence. It's almost depressing, but in a beautiful way.

Some people know exactly what it takes to get on your nerves. But everything is okay, because I think I've learned to better endure the tendencies of those kind of people. Once you can perceive someone based on elements that go beyond your preliminary responses to negativity, tension, and frustration, then ultimately you can learn to accept people for who they are and handle anxiety more effectively while gaining control of your own behavior and reactions.

...but I have to admit, some of those people could still use a good bitch-slap or two every now and then, don't you think?

SAVE THE WORLD

2005-10-06T07:17:00.000-05:00

I was perusing one of the comic books that Kenneth had lent me. I think Batman is the only superhero who can make spandex and utility belts look like a socially acceptable fashion statement.

Batman. Why a bat though? I guess 'Llama Man' or 'Porcupine Man' just wouldn't render the same effect. Or maybe they would for some people, if you're, you know, into that...

But their costumes would be quite ugly, I would imagine.

What about a 'Rooster Man?' Rooster Man and Cat Woman. Think about that. So many dirty jokes...

I don't care much for Robin though. Crime fighters shouldn't wear complementary colors. Or ankle boots, for that matter.

EVERYTHING

2005-10-03T20:23:00.000-05:00

I think back to how much we've changed. How much you've changed. How much I've changed. At some point, everything felt perfect. At some point, we reveled in the purity of our connection. At some point, we never roused the rage and frustration and confusion within each other. You laughed, and asked me, "What's wrong with us?"

Perhaps this means that nothing is.

Yet, I became overwhelmed with shame. The culmination of our bond slowly unraveled the shortcomings of our circumstances; I felt so unsound, and so naked. I felt like I no longer exuded the innocence and simplicity that you began to admire so much within me a couple of years ago. I became complicated, and stubborn, and things became difficult. As each disconcerted thread of my faults and weaknesses progressively disentangled themselves before you, I often swallowed my tears and held my breath, wondering if you still loved me...

...because I've always loved you.

I LOVE MUSEUMS

2005-09-27T20:08:00.000-05:00

I always thought that going away to attend college would make me more susceptible to the pleasures of mischief.

I suppose that has been a little bit true lately.

Kenneth visited me a couple of weekends ago. Every good girl needs her moments...

OFF THE TOP OF MY HEAD

2005-09-11T17:19:00.000-05:00

I feel a tinge of irritation run through my body whenever I see someone using the dorm hall elevators to go to and from the second floor. If you're not physically incapacitated, elderly, or going to a floor above the second story, please be courteous to those who are and take the God-forsaken stairway.

Most of my classes assign at least six hours of homework per week, and for the most part, I think I'm actually enjoying the workload. Even the textbook and written assignments. Maybe this is a manifestation of my desire to compensate for a painfully counterproductive summer. It feels good to get a lot of work done again. There's an unexplainable delight that comes with accomplishment. My day feels more complete. I can sleep well.

Ever since I've started living on campus, I've come to appreciate the interesting little idiosyncrasies of my new community. Like the fact that the G-Train looks like a McDonalds from the 1970s. And the same repetitive obscure spray paint image I keep rediscovering on the sidewalks (I think it's a guy with a gas mask on, but I'm probably wrong...). And that a lot of girls here like to wear pompadoured ponytails and gypsy skirts. And the pornography shop whose existence is supposed to be outside our realm of awareness. And the Washington Avenue beauty salon that charges $20.00 to wash your hair. And the Rastafarian novelty shop that sells fertility statuettes, chunky wooden jewelry, and exotic hair products that you can also use on your skin.

THE SOUND OF SETTLING

2005-09-02T18:24:00.000-05:00

I'm currently back at home, spending Labor Day weekend with my family, but for these past couple of weeks, I have been finding comfort within each facet of dorm-life. And I'm still alive too.

There are about a dozen cats (unimaginatively hailed as the infamous "Pratt Cats.") that delicately meander the Brooklyn campus on a regular basis. I am quite partial to the plump black and white one. When it lies down, it resembles a throw rug. A throw rug with eyes and a crooked tail. I think the crooked tail gives it more character. It's like a battle wound. Well, that's my theory, anyway.

Yesterday, Kenneth felt no shame in ridiculing me for squandering $86.00 on 314 sheets of glorified construction paper for my Light/Color/Design class -- keep in mind that this was practically half off the original price... This stuff better end world hunger and homelessness or something. I expect the heavenly fury of a thousand suns to emerge when I open the box... Fuck you, Color-aid.

FALL 2005

2005-08-29T17:06:00.000-05:00

Monday:

3-Dimensional Design (9:00am-11:50am / 1:00pm-3:30pm)
English 101 (4:30pm-5:50pm)

Tuesday:

4-Dimensional Design (9:00am-11:50am)
Art History (2:00pm-4:50pm)

Wednesday:

Figure & General Drawing (9:00am-11:50am / 1:00pm - 3:30pm)
English 101 (4:30pm-5:50pm)

Thursday:

Light, Color, & Design (9:00am-11:50am / 1:00pm-3:50pm)

SOMETHING NEW

2005-08-17T20:22:00.000-05:00

A couple of weeks ago, I saw an elderly woman sporting brilliant, aquamarine hair [with clothes to match]. It was marvelous. If I had my camera within my reach, I would have shamelessly stolen a shot. I'm a voyeur for the peculiar. I think it's fascinating when old people dye their hair in colors that are not found in nature. Somewhere, someone can say, "My Grandma has aquamarine hair."

I'm moving out this Saturday. (Apparently, Brooklyn residency implies a shorter life expectancy -- my cousin said, "never, ever change at Jamaica if you take the train... and try to avoid the Marcy Projects"...) These next few days will be spent relentlessly packing and creating some semblance of organization and sanity. Words of encouragement would be appreciated.

ARE WE THERE YET?

2005-08-04T17:58:00.000-05:00

The past couple of weeks have been a complete void. I have been physically inefficient, but at the same time, mentally and emotionally industrious. I'm anticipating something new. More beginnings. It's the start of August already, and now I am simply hovering over the remains of summer until I can finally start college. I miss school. I miss the vague camaraderies I've established with the many people I hardly knew and/or talked to. I miss alarm clock routine monotony. I miss textbook wisdom. I miss institutionalized learning. Fucking nerd. I'm excited.

When I find myself surrounded by perfect strangers, sometimes I like to look at each one and quietly muse over what they're doing, where they're going, what they're thinking, who they love, who they hate, and what their lives are like.

And when I think about my own dirty little secrets, I can't help but wonder about all the dirty little things all of you are keeping to yourselves.

THIRTEEN, FOURTEEN, FIFTEEN

2005-07-29T14:28:00.000-05:00

For the past six months, I have been immersed with you [and every other happy little particle that your charming self exudes around me].

After a few months of prospect, deliberation, and parental disputes, it has come to my attention that I will more than likely be making my journey to the distant and exotic land of Virginia to see you this summer after all. It's the last weekend before I move to my dormitory for college. It's the last weekend before our seven-month anniversary.

August 8th denotes our 200th day together. If love were a tangible thing, I could easily kill someone just by throwing it at them. Well, something like that... but more romantic.

I love you, even though Virginia is not for lovers -- there are quite a few anti-sex laws down there.

HOLES IN YOUR HEAD

2005-07-18T21:12:00.000-05:00

I pierced my tongue last week, for no particular reason, other than the fact that it now acts as a delicately discreet centerpiece to the piercings on my ears (I love symmetry). I'm beginning to believe that my parents do not listen to anything I say, because if they did, they would have immediately noticed my perceptibly mangled dialogue (I have recently opted to omit certain consonants from my discourse for several days). It's not rebellion. It's just jewelry, silly. Trust me, if I wanted to "rebel" against my parents, I would do way more than accessorize my oral cavity. I would be in Virginia with him. Or take over the world.

PROTAGONIST

2005-07-15T11:18:00.000-05:00

I told Kenneth that I didn't know who Astro Boy was. (Do you know who Astro Boy is?) Needless to say that he was yet again disenchanted by my nonexistent prowess for comic book/cartoon insight.

But now that I finally know what Astro Boy looks like, I must say that he looks vaguely familiar. I think it's the hair. Or maybe those devastatingly sexy rocket boots.

FLICKNESS

2005-07-11T08:59:00.000-05:00

I received the Movie Baton from Nadine.

Total number of films I own on DVD and video: A handful. I have to admit, I'm no movie aficionado. I'm sure my boyfriend finds this utterly disappointing in some way.

The last film I bought: Haha, wow. I don't even recall. Hmm, Kenneth gave me The Incredibles to watch. Does this count?

Five films that I watch a lot and/or mean a lot to me (no particular order):
1. Huozhe (1994)
2. The Shawshank Redemption (1994)
3. All I Wanna Do (1998)
4. Riding In Cars With Boys (2001)
5. Ferris Bueller's Day Off (1986)

5 people whom I am passing the Baton: Robbie, Vangie, Jaja, Amanda, and Kenneth.

IT DOES NOT FOLLOW

2005-07-04T17:17:00.000-05:00

Happy Birthday, America. What an awesome day -- for patriots, pyromaniacs, and barbeque enthusiasts alike. I wish my birthday was like the Fourth of July, with everybody showing their support, love, and loyalty to me by setting things on fire -- hamburgers, hotdogs, contraband explosives, everything. ...Yeah!

But right now, the only thing more depressing than a miserable existentialist is me. And the fact that the federal judicial system has seen a drastic decline in its estrogen levels.

I want something new. Something different. Like the time I woke up to find a gorgeous transsexual woman sitting in my livingroom on the day of my aunt's wedding. Or the time I was going through my uncle's old photographs and discovered a picture of that same gorgeous transsexual woman without a shirt on. I love surprises.

I really wish I had a sharp object within my reach right now. Sharp, cold, and burnished. No, wait, nevermind. I really wish I had you. Yes, you. Just you. And some of your warm words of affirmation...

Let me be your good girl again.

SMILE!

2005-06-28T12:26:00.000-05:00

I attended my first Debut last night (Happy Belated 18th Birthday to Rachelle).

The cotillion was lovely. Wouldn't it be great to have your own personal cotillion follow you wherever you go, and break into elegant dance routines whenever you wanted them to? How delightfully bizarre!

I was assigned the position of "photographer" that evening. It was an interesting experience. I was supposed to photograph the members of each table, but unfortunately, many refused to have their picture taken. I was not sure if it was because they were reluctant to share their self-induced un-photogenicness with the world, or because they did not know who I was, and why I was spending that evening taking pictures of complete strangers...

Oh, and I had the pleasure of meeting Angelina. Sweet girl. Apparently, she knows me through Mike. Thank goodness. I thought I had a near-stalker experience.

And the food was good too!

GRADUAL... GRADUATE... GRADUATION...

2005-06-19T14:51:00.000-05:00

It's sort of a misnomer, is it not? I can't seem to come up with anything 'gradual' about 'graduation.' It seems so abrupt to me. You spend four years of your life attending high school, and just when you think you've finally lost enough mental stability to leap off that brink of insanity and boredom, it stops. And you're suddenly forced in a different direction.

Or perhaps all four years is 'graduation'. Or maybe it starts long before that. Every day -- from pre-school to senior year -- was graduation. A lengthy, awkward, ugly, interesting process. A chain reaction of experiences that gradually (ha) lead to what most people can only characterize as wisdom and knowledge. Either that, or a series of traumatizing events that best be forgotten as soon as possible.

As for me, I'd say that it was more like the former. Err, and maybe a little bit of the latter...

There's something devastatingly beautiful about change.

Congratulations to the Class of 2005. And Happy Father's Day. :)

LAST DAY WAS YESTERDAY

2005-06-15T11:36:00.000-05:00

Much of our last day was spent tacitly reminiscing and signing yearbooks. I had quite a few interesting messages written in mine. Allow me to share:

"Hopefully when I come to visit you and Sarah, you won't curse a tsunami on me or anything."

"My wife! We survived our marriage! Yay!"

"Maybe one day we can meet up and have a duel or something..."

"...did I mention that I hate you?"

"One day, we are getting married."

"If you ever want to be a god, me and Clare are waiting."

SENIOR PROM 2005

2005-06-12T20:49:00.000-05:00

I almost forgot how uncomfortable most high-heeled shoes are. My dress threw up glitter everywhere. I can't kiss with cherries in my mouth. I had my first slow dance. I have a new appreciation for headless / limbless mannequins. And comic book superheroes.

It was amazing.

Everyone else thought so too.

IT FEELS FAST AGAIN

2005-06-05T09:50:00.000-05:00

The last few weeks of school are always the most eventful.

I attended my second Art Show last week. A lot of amazing work there. I received quite a few positive and uplifting responses about my displays, so it went very well.

Senior Prom is this Friday, and of course, that only renders the one thing I've been looking forward to most lately -- yes, Kenneth is coming back again. :)

Graduation rehearsal is next Monday at Hofstra University. The same day that the yearbooks will be distributed.

I received my cap and gown last Friday. The very cap and gown that I will be wearing on Father's Day, when I walk onstage to receive that little piece of paper that will forever conclude my high school career and mark the beginning of another life chapter. Or something.

UNTITLED

2005-05-26T20:19:00.000-05:00

They say actions speak louder than words.

I just wish my words would speak louder than my actions for once, because it seems that most people cannot comprehend the things I do most of the time.

And sometimes I just do not know what to say. It's not my fault. It's not fair. Words escape me [more often than I would like to admit]. I don't know why. I used to be numb to silence... but these days, it's starting to feel a little bit more painful everytime I fail to verbalize my thoughts...

Or maybe it is my fault. I don't know.

Why do I make things so difficult?

NOT TOO FAR FROM HOME

2005-05-23T15:15:00.000-05:00

NOT TOO FAR FROM HOME

The mural I was asked to retouch was originally painted on two large pieces of ply wood and it sits in the backyard of a nice elderly couple. The protective varnish had yellowed over all the colors.

The husband is wheelchair-dependent now, and his wife told me that they can't really travel like they used to. Three years ago, she hired a neighbor (whom she can no longer get in touch with anymore) to paint the mural. It depicts a simplistic Caribbean-style scene. It reminds me of that generic desktop wallpaper -- with the ocean and the palm trees. She even has a Barbie doll sitting in front of it, but without clothes on -- I guess it's a nude beach for the time being?

She said, "Since we can't go on vacations anymore, I had the mural painted and put in the backyard so that whenever he goes into the backyard, he feels like he's on vacation."

I thought that was just the sweetest thing I've ever heard.

A LETTER TO MYSELF

2005-05-12T14:14:00.000-05:00

A LETTER TO MYSELF

The end of my high school career marks the beginning of another proverbial era.

During English class today, my teacher instructed everybody to write a letter to themselves 10 years ago. So this is the letter that I wrote to the 8-year-old Joyceline:

Dear Me,

Things are going to get interesting...

Growing up has always been something you thought about. It was always something to expect. A brutal finale. A crucial transition. But really, growing up never reaches a conclusion. At least it shouldn't. Learning should always be perpetual, and obtaining knowledge should never be final. Embrace all opportunities. Don't focus on reaching the final stages of "growing up" -- just keep growing.

Yes, things will become more difficult. And frustrating. And awkward. And complicated. But all the more fulfilling. Every new moment will bring new experiences. And people. New teachers. New friends. New family. New ideas. New dreams. New mistakes. Don't be too hard on yourself. Errors are the building blocks of improvement.

Respect your elders. Always remember where you came from when you find yourself trying to figure out where you want to go. You should never forget family, because they will never forget you.
Learning goes well beyond mathematical equations, vocabulary words, scientific theorems, and test scores.

Communication bears good relationships. Speak up. But don't forget to listen too. Quiet people always have more to say.

Always be kind. And sincere. And compassionate. Take chances. Be spontaneous. Fall in love -- but just make sure somebody's there to catch you.

Confront your responsibilities. You can't always have somebody hold your hand -- and I'm not just talking about crossing the street (and please do be careful when doing so...).

Take everything as it comes to you. Don't be scared. Just be aware. And always remember to be yourself.

Love,
Me

We were also told to write letters to ourselves 10 years from now. I'm still working on that. I need to submit it tomorrow. I'll be 28 years old when my English teacher sends it back to me.

I DON'T GET IT EITHER

2005-05-09T19:12:00.000-05:00

I DON'T GET IT EITHER

I don't know when it started, but I've somehow developed a habit of greeting my family with "Good morning" at any given point during the day -- even if it is well beyond morning hours. They used to question my behavior as if I was experiencing some kind of cortical malfunction, but everyone at home seems to have adjusted to it...

I would tell my Dad, "Good morning!"

He would now respond, "Good afternoon!"

...even though it's obviously nighttime...

TIMES ONE HUNDRED

2005-04-30T22:03:00.000-05:00

We've been together for only a few months, but I swear it feels like it has been a lot longer than that. A few months doesn't really seem to embody everything between us.

And then I came home to a jar of tiny origami birds this morning. One hundred birds for one hundred days together. That's a lot of birds. That's a lot of origami. That's a lot of days. That's a lot of love.

QUITE PLEASANT

2005-04-22T14:11:00.000-05:00

I'm off from school for the next four days. Happy Passover to those who celebrate. I remember having a heavy craving for matzo at one point. I think it's coming back.

Here's to [what I hope to be] a painfully productive weekend.

I need to write an English term paper. And finish my portfolio. And buy matzo.

Kenneth drove up to see me twice this week. I am a very lucky girl. Very lucky.

HOME STRETCH

2005-04-15T22:20:00.000-05:00

20 days left until the AP English Literature Exam.

21 days left until the AP Studio Art portfolios are due.

26 days left until the AP Government & Politics Exam.

48 days left until the Art Show.

56 days left until Senior Prom.

65 days left until Graduation Day.

APRIL SHOWERS?

2005-04-07T15:34:00.000-05:00

So yes, the weather has been beautiful for these past couple of days. I can wear shorts again. My legs glow in the dark. My skin reflects more light than a solar power plant. Ok. More outdoor time. And less clothing. Let's hope that Mother Nature is in the mood for consistency.

MEET THE PARENTS

2005-03-29T19:31:00.000-05:00

This past weekend, my boyfriend drove up to visit me again, which of course, meant that I had the chance to finally expose my family to the phenomenon known as Kenneth.

"How long was the drive?" ... "Do you speak Tagalog?" ... "Do you like goat?" ... "You know that really long bridge?" ... "How far do you live from Williamsburg?" ... "Where from the Philippines are you from?" ... "What does your mother do?" ... "What does your father do?" ... "Where do you work?" ... "That bridge is really long..." ...

I think the encounter went considerably well. You could smell the skepticism lingering in the backs of some minds, but for the most part, much of my bloodline took quite a liking in him.

HEHE...

2005-03-23T22:30:00.000-05:00

Do me a favor. Post your favorite jingles and theme songs in my comment box. Your input would be greatly appreciated...

QUICKIES

2005-03-19T16:29:00.000-05:00

I received a scholarship from Pratt this week. ($9,000.00 per year for four years.)

My cousin, Aiza, delivered her baby earlier this month -- a healthy, beautiful girl by the name of Jeanne.

I was 'deflowered' by the Epic Heroes at The Downtown.

I'm scheduled to attend Pratt's New Student Reception [and possibly another Open House portfolio review] next month.

My cousin, Jenny, is supposed to come back from the Philippines soon.

Kenneth is coming later next week to meet my parents!

HIGH CONTEXT? LOW CONTEXT?

2005-03-14T23:15:00.000-05:00

We were asked to list five personal non-genetic characteristics about ourselves in my Literature class last week.

I wrote "implicit" for number four. I think I'm better at clearly expressing my thoughts on paper than I am through spoken words. If humans utilized writing as a sole means of communication, then perhaps I would make a decent demagogue in that kind of world. Oh, and noise pollution would decline. But maybe the number of carpal tunnel syndrome cases would consequently rise... I don't know.

I need to create several major pieces of artwork by May. It's one thing to be pressured to think. It's another thing to be pressured to be inspired.

THERE'S SOMETHING THERE

2005-03-07T18:05:00.000-05:00

Someone said that happiness isn't a lifestyle; it's an emotion. Sometimes I forget. Sometimes the hardest part is realizing that knowing what true happiness is only means knowing what true sadness is first. And sometimes that's the bigger lesson.

It can be a little bit scary to feel the walls of transition closing in on you. At least I'm not terribly claustrophobic. But I'm a small girl. I take smaller steps.

KRC

2005-03-01T12:53:00.000-05:00

I finally told my mother about Kenneth.

Albeit our initial encounter via the Internet, a four hundred mile separation, and an age difference of four years, her reaction was [to my surprise] not as abrasive as I had anticipated.

We finally met for the first time in January. One month after his 22nd birthday. In front of my school during post-school hours. It was like something out of a book.

It feels good to exhale again.

On a side note...

I'm surprised that I haven't even mentioned this yet, but I was accepted to Pratt a few weeks ago. Delicious.

Hello, March. If I was born on February 29th, does that mean that I would only age every four years?

UNPRODUCTIVITY

2005-02-25T17:08:00.000-05:00

Certain things have seemed so unreasonably complicated lately. I want to feel the beauty and comfort of simplicity again.

From what my sister has told me, I wasn't supposed to eat any meat today due to religious observances. Now my spiritual essence feels a little bit dirty. It reeks of processed meat products.

Barbecue. Fire. Hell. I get it now.

I don't feel like going out tonight, but at the same time, I don't want to be at home. I wish I was unconscious. Only for a few hours though.

T-SHIRT NINJA

2005-02-21T23:19:00.000-05:00

Inspired by the 'T-Shirt Ninja' thread at the Rice Bowl Journals Forums.

This is how I look when I want to save the world (or when I'm having a bad hair day). I plan on joining forces with Batman on my next late-night crime fighting spree.

I thought that I would look a little bit intimidating here... but maybe I should've changed my shirt.

A PERFECT FLAVOR

2005-02-18T22:41:00.000-05:00

I have finally been introduced to Winter Break, and right now, I just feel so composed, and childish, and sloppy, and irresponsible. But still inspired. Oh yes, and happy too. Life has been surprisingly lovely lately, despite the sudden tinges of sadness in between. It's bittersweet. Like a contraband romance. Or maybe like the chocolate. I love chocolate. Just as much as I love you. Hmm, no. That is not accurate at all... because I definitely love you more.

I need to take at least 20 landscape pictures for my digital photography class. Maybe I'll start that assignment this weekend. I'm really not too fond of landscape pictures for some reason, so if the weather's feeling cold while I'm feeling stubborn, I may very well resort to holding scenic postcards up to the camera lens.

I HEART YOU

2005-02-14T22:27:00.000-05:00

I think that this is the longest I've gone without updating in such a long time...

But all I can say is that I had such a great weekend. :)

Happy Valentine's Day, everybody!

UMM... HUH?

2005-02-06T22:04:00.000-05:00

I don't know if this is the case for all Filipinos who utilize English as a second language, but sometimes I just find it amusing when the "P's" are switched with the "F's", and vice versa. Especially with the word "finish," because then it just sounds like "penis."

"Penis your rice!"
"Penis your homework!"

My sense of humor has a tendency to pander to the lowest common denominator of taste... but it's just more fun that way.

More new RBJ postcards from chillair and enygma. Thankies.

MY ONE HUNDRED LIST : PART I OF X

2005-02-02T17:51:00.000-05:00

I'm a fraternal twin. Younger by one minute. Cesarean section.

I can't whistle.

Or swim. And I live on an island too. How utterly tragic.

I love to crack my joints. Particularly my hips, my fingers and my wrists.

I'm not as religious as I used to be.

I think I might have a social anxiety disorder. I become anxious when people are uncomfortable with silence, because then I feel pressured to speak.

I dream in color.

Naming all 50 U.S. states in alphabetical order off the top of my head has become second nature to me.

When I was younger, I loved to catch cicadas.

I keep a bullet as a good luck charm. I've had it since I was ten.

ONE YEAR LATER

2005-01-30T22:35:00.000-05:00

My compulsion for online journalism has existed for 365 days today.

I still remember the first "blog" I started reading habitually... It belonged to a homosexual 19-year-old Filipino from southern California. But alas, I think he has finally resorted to a permanent hiatus.

The Rice Bowl Journals community prompted my interest in online journals. That's where most of my "dailies" came from.

Maybe I should do some renovating and expand here a little bit. Perhaps finally add that gallery? ...

Happy Anniversary to me. Or should I say... uhhh... Bloggiversary...? o_O Yeah...

WE HERE AT ABBEY

2005-01-25T14:22:00.000-05:00

My sister, her boyfriend, and I are supposed to revisit our elementary school later this week. I wonder which teachers are still there. I wonder if anyone will be able to recognize me. I can't remember the last time I set foot there, but reminiscence is still leaking out of every orifice (never eat Olestra potato chips).

I remember chorus. I remember walking in lines. I remember the violin (and I remember hating it). I remember writing an essay on cafeteria pizza (and my teacher loved it). I remember countless dioramas (I remember getting paid to do my cousins' art projects). I remember a talking fire engine.

I remember our playground. Not the new plastic one. The old school wooden one. The one that rendered just as many splinters as it did memories. I recall the metallic slides and the huge rubber tires. When summer weather arrived, it became too hot to swing or slide on anything.

I remember doing a cartwheel during recess and spraining my wrist. Writing became painful for a few days. I haven't done a cartwheel since then.

I remember the kid who was obsessed with Elvis Presley. He and his friends organized a small concert on the blacktop and charged five cents per "ticket" to watch him sing.

I feel old.

"EXCERPT..."

2005-01-22T17:32:00.000-05:00

"I expected my thoughts to abruptly materialize into something wonderful.... and there you were.

I felt like crying when you put your arms around me.

I got quiet. I didn't say much. But I didn't know what to say; all I knew was that you were here.

I didn't need words. All I needed was you.

There were moments where I could barely look you in the eye. I got nervous. It was an emotional blur. I think I love you too much.

You gave me my first real kiss. I'm missing you all over again."

TRACKS OF THOUGHT

2005-01-18T15:23:00.000-05:00

The post-"El Borracho" back end track of Fenix TX's Lechuza makes me think of old school Nintendo, urban street basketball, and VFW hall basement moshing. Next to spicy chicken quesadillas and black stilettos, it gets me all hot and bothered. Well, almost.

"Those Sweet Words" by Norah Jones makes me feel like smiling and crying at the same time. I'm such a bleeding-heart liberal.

"Such Great Heights" by The Postal Service makes me feel like I'm wandering outerspace on a giant bubble-wrap pillow with an HP laptop. It's one of those songs that I could fall asleep to.

Brand New's "Seventy Times Seven" makes me think of some angry guy with his bizarre desire to hang his best friend on rusty meathooks by the flesh of his elbows after beating him over the head with a half-empty liquor bottle in the middle of the night.

Midterms start soon. I've been zoning out to music all day....

Special thanks to fellow RBJer Li for the cute postcard. :)

Would you like to participate in The Warm Fuzzies Project? Please consider making a donation.

LIFE COMES WITH INSTRUCTIONS

2005-01-16T16:51:00.000-05:00

One of my former English teachers told me that he would be very disappointed if I didn't read Tuesdays With Morrie [by Mitch Albom] before I graduated high school. So he lent me his softcover copy. The front cover tore in my book bag...

Disheartened into enlightenment.

"Take any emotion--love for a woman, or grief for a loved one, or what I'm going through, fear and pain from a deadly illness. If you hold back on the emotions--if you don't allow yourself to go all the way through them--you can never get to being detached, you're too busy being afraid. You're afraid of the pain, you're afraid of the grief. You're afraid of the vulnerability that loving entails."

"But by throwing yourself into these emotions, by allowing yourself to dive in, all the way, over your head even, you experience them fully and completely. You know what pain is. You know what love is. You know what grief is. And only then can you say, 'All right. I have experienced that emotion. I recognize that emotion. Now I need to detach from that emotion for a moment.'"

"I know you think this is just about dying," he said, "but it's like I keep telling you. When you learn how to die, you learn how to live." - Morrie Schwartz

TOUCHING MIDPOINT

2005-01-11T16:25:00.000-05:00

I finally submitted my college applications to my school's Guidance Department today. I know, it would've been [a lot] better to submit them much earlier. I don't know why it took me so long to finally turn them in... I'm only applying to two schools.

Half of the school year is almost over and as far as my studio class is concerned, there's still a lot that needs to be accomplished. I need to be able to come up with a few major pieces of artwork within the duration of a couple of weeks. I can feel the reverberating backlashes of indecision. It brings me to my proverbial knees. I'm running out of ideas.

"I want to throw up and urinate at the same time... I want to vominate."
- Some Canadian TV show....

WHAT I WOULD GIVE JUST TO BE LEFT ALONE...

2005-01-05T20:42:00.000-05:00

It's another I-Can-Walk-Around-In-My-Underwear kind of day. Yeah, I need more of those.

SUNDAY BRAIN WAVES

2005-01-02T15:09:00.000-05:00

My first entry of 2005.

Every New Year, my family would get together just after midnight and everyone was allotted one balloon to unleash into the sky for one "wish." We didn't have any balloons this year. But we did have grapes. My mom hung grapes over everyone's bedroom door "to ensure a fruitful new year." Heh... grapes... fruit... I get it, I think. I'm not sure why we stopped with the balloons though. Someone once told me that when the balloons finally returned to the ground, pigeons would sometimes try to eat them and consequently die. It wouldn't be my fault though. I never wished for dead pigeons.

I never understood the purpose of car alarms. Are they seriously expected to deter car theft? Because if they are, I don't think they're doing a very good job. I mean, if you hear someone's car alarm go off in the middle of the night, are you going to get out of bed to find out what's going on? No... you're just going to get really, really annoyed. Or if you're weird like me, maybe even inspired. When I was younger, I made up a little dance to go along with my dad's car alarm.

Now if cars had alarm-activated flamethrowers and other miscellaneous little projectile explosives, that would be another story...

ASIAN TSUNAMI

2004-12-29T16:43:00.000-05:00

"The tragedy of life is what dies inside a man while he lives." - Albert Schweitzer

Lend a hand and pass it on.

FACELESS MISSIVE

2004-12-26T14:00:00.000-05:00

Dear Him,

I think that I can finally swear off of candies and confections now because your unadulterated sweetness and charm has managed to satisfy my daily sugar fix. No cavities. Just smiles.

The hardest part is waiting.

The easiest part is loving.

The worst part is crying.

The best part is you.

~~So far away.~~ So far so good. You make me happy. You keep me up at night... later than I've been normally used to. But that's okay, because the dreams are still absolutely perfect.

You make me stronger. We'll be okay.

Love,
Her

SEASONS GREETINGS

2004-12-23T15:27:00.000-05:00

Yes, it's that time of year again. I hope everyone gets a chance to enjoy the comfort, chaos and sentimentalities of holiday revelry before it suddenly melts away into the genesis of yet another new year. 2004 -- where art thou? Quite scary to see how quickly 365 days can whither away. Surprises can be so frightening sometimes. It's like getting shanked with a candy cane. Not that I'd know....

Happy Holidays, everybody.

LIFE'S LITTLE ENJAMBMENTS

2004-12-20T10:39:00.000-05:00

Yesterday made me blush -- and I'm not alluding to the nude model in my art class.

Today makes me shiver -- The cold is cruel. And comforting. Pray for a snow day.

Tomorrow will make me worry -- So much to do, ~~so little time~~ and I'm feeling lazy.

I wake up to the same radio station morning show everyday, only because the first thing I'd hear once I regain consciousness with the alarm clock is something very random/funny/disturbing. At some point this morning, they started talking about people who get their heads stuck in odd places. They had quite a few callers too. Interesting anecdotes involving bicycle racks, revolving doors, washing machines and a lot of other things. Yeah, it was weird. I remember getting my head stuck in the banister once. Not as bizarre as a revolving door or a washing machine, but undoubtedly just as traumatizing.

Happy Birthday to Kenneth. Champoora oora ooo. :)

MONDAY HAPPENINGS

2004-12-13T16:00:00.000-05:00

Our congressman visited my government class today. If there's anything more painful than papercuts or unmitigated heartache, it's having to listen to a hardline republican aficionado talk in person.

Nazi/KKK graffiti in the student parking lot. So sad. That wasn't a very nice thing to do. Chauvinistic little fuckers.

I don't recall the last time I've voluntarily ingested this many Oreos. I feel so remorsefully satisfied. Black and white... just like pandas. Makes me smile. But I'd never eat a panda.

Courtesy of the Proverb Generator: Joyceline makes the heart grow fonder.

COUNTING CANDLES

2004-12-10T10:33:00.000-05:00

And now eighteen years[!] of a cheerfully duplicate existence.

Actually, I don't consider myself an 18-year-old yet. I believe that we are the product of our own experiences, and I am yet to experience 18-year-oldness.

My twin sister, Jackie, had the cozier amniotic sac, by the way.

I hope I don't end up doing something stupid now.

Happy Birthday, Jackie.

GENTLE SINCERITY

2004-12-05T21:16:00.000-05:00

Not too long ago, a boy in my studio class asked me something.

"Joyceline, do you ever have anything bad to say about anyone in our grade?"

I just smiled at him and continued working. Yes, maybe my good-girl disposition is a tad bit universal at this point.

"It's about me, isn't it?" he asked.

Then I told him that he was an asshole.

He laughed. So did my teacher.

I blushed.

Why can't everyone just laugh when they're being called assholes? It would be a lot easier to make friends, wouldn't it? The world would be a better place.

IT'S ALL GOOD

2004-11-29T11:22:00.001-05:00

...despite my sudden relapse into autumn sickness. Still very much on that "emotional high"... what a fulfilling weekend.

For the sake of randomness... a list inspired by "The Quirk Thread" on the RBJ Forums. I've never really thought about my own little peculiarities:

When I shower, I alternate between hot water and cold water every five minutes.

I'll usually poke a person to get their attention.

After I finish typing a sentence, sometimes I'll see that there's a typo mid-sentence, and instead of using the arrow keys to go back, I'll always delete everything after the typo before making the necessary corrections.

Most of my pants are too big for me.

I always have to wear a black hair tie on my wrist... even though my hair isn't long enough to tie back.

I'd never dog-ear the pages of a book. I think it's "wrong."

I can't sleep well unless I have my giant pillow on my right side and my smaller pillow on my left side.

I cry at least once a week.

I never wear shorts to school, even when the weather starts getting warm.

I like to break up my chocolate into small pieces before eating it.

I tug on my earrings when I'm nervous.

Ok. Nap time. Again.

GOBBLE, GOBBLE

2004-11-25T11:52:00.000-05:00

I hope that everyone has a wonderful Thanksgiving. :)

Happy Turkey Day, everybody. ::Hug::

ANALYZE THIS

2004-11-20T20:04:00.000-05:00

Sheer craziness. I visited Pratt again (this time with two other fellow classmates -- thanks again, you guys) for National Portfolio Day. A lot of other art schools were doing some reviews there too, but I was really only interested in two schools that were there.

My second portfolio evaluation from Pratt. My first one from SVA.

Pratt: "...You're good with the shape here, but try increase the contrast a little bit more to make the darks really stand out... See, this one is very good with the contrast with the mid-tones in there... This looks like Hockney's work... You have a very strong portfolio... I would accept your application, just on the basis of your work alone..."

SVA: "...This looks like it would be a very abstract piece... Maybe you could've pushed the envelope a little bit and added something to the background here, like a horizon line... You've really captured the metallic effect here... Interesting use of lines... I like this piece a lot, because you've put yourself in it... It shows that you sometimes see yourself as a "broken" or "fragmented" person... We want to see students put more of "themselves" in their own work because that's how we want to get to know them... You've obviously passed this evaluation..."

It's so enlightening to get feedback, whether it be compliments or criticisms. There must've been thousands of students there today, and it was nice to get to scope out other people's work. Some of them were actually quite intimidating, haha. And yet, nothing short of absolutely inspiring.

Yayness! Thanks, Mr. Ryan.

OBSCURE

2004-11-16T18:01:00.000-05:00

Things have been going pretty slow lately. I'll be living off of deadlines for the next few months. Sometimes I think I work more proficienty under hard pressure. And other times I just feel like running around blindfolded while brandishing a machete in each hand. Oh my... that was the sugar talking.

Can you believe half of November is gone already? Somebody tell me... where did 2004 go?

But in all honesty, there is something (or someone) in particular that I've been wanting to write about. However, knowing who my usual readers are, I think I'll have to leave this one up to the imagination [for now].

And I really shouldn't get too attached.

SEVEN THINGS...

2004-11-12T15:37:00.000-05:00

...That Aggravate Me:
- early mornings
- materialism
- politics
- mathematics (or maybe just numbers in general)
- existentialism
- egocentricity
- pre-menstrual hysteria

...That Turn Me On:
- affection/kindness
- a sense of humor
- dark skin/dark hair
- nice eyes
- hugs
- when guys wear dressy shirts
- girls with beautiful legs (let's be equivocal, shall we)

...That I Did Today:
- supposedly failed my Precalculus test
- talked about "balut" in my polaroid class
- attended a meeting
- became tacitly angry with someone
- continued my oil painting
- laughed
- ...and then cried

...That I Touch On A Daily Basis:
- paper
- tissues
- my earrings
- my CD player
- a keyboard
- a pencil
- my hair

...That I Want To Change About Myself:
- my introversion
- my sensitivity
- my tendency to never "let go"
- my prejudgments
- my infatuation with "perfection"
- my diffidence
- my vulnerability

My house is freezing. That time of year is coming... the time that almost makes me wish I didn't live all the way up in New York. I'm wearing a red hoodie and a pair of green gloves. I look like Christmas... in Asia.

SIESTA

2004-11-05T17:57:00.000-05:00

I think sleep has become my new escape. And if it has, then I haven't been around lately.

A lot has been going on. A lot. I've accumulated enough mental tension to traumatize a defiant child. Or to kill a small water buffalo.

Is there such a thing as adolescent senescence? I would be sitting in the middle of a lesson, and then suddenly I'm overwhelmed with exhaustion. Almost to the point of pain. I don't remember the last time I've ever felt this tired during the school day.

Maybe I'm just thinking too hard. Or working too hard.

We found a dead cat on our lawn this afternoon. A foreboding catastrophe perhaps?

I need to sleep.

A message from Sam...

SR ARREDONDO, ANDRES M.
SHIP 12 DIVISION 040
RECRUIT TRAINING COMMAND
GREAT LAKES, IL 60088-3127
3301 INDIANA STREET

(This address is effective within the next 6 to 7 weeks)

"He wants lots of letters and pictures." Send him your love, world.

THERE GOES THE NEIGHBORHOOD

2004-10-30T12:53:00.000-05:00

The big red house intrigues me. It lies on a block of commonplace suburban homes. A crimson architectural monstrosity. Grim beauty. It reminds me of Stephen King's Rose Red. Subtle visual references to vampires and sorcery. I don't remember where I was when I drove past it. Oyster Bay, maybe? I'm probably wrong. I don't know.

They say a witch lives there. They say that when you drive past this house, however many people are there in the car with you is however many candles you'll see in the windows. I don't remember any candles. Then again, I don't remember a lot of things.

And if that's not enough for the Halloween season, my sister tells me there's a ghost wandering our block. A ghost that bears a striking resemblance to Abraham Lincoln...

Yeah... I'm staying home on Halloween.

LITTLE CHARLATAN

2004-10-26T19:10:00.000-05:00

Our exchange of words is nominal. And unforgettable. His presence renders the quiet imposter in me. His absence composes the quiet symphonies of my daydreams. He is powerful. He can make everything wonderful, but he can also make everything catastrophic. He creates and destroys. But only in my World.

I wish that everything could be different, even if everything could only be worse. I know that a want is not a need, but he makes it too difficult.

RAMPANT

2004-10-23T21:59:00.000-05:00

It's not fun getting lost in Brooklyn... but I finally made it to Pratt's Open House. I'm so glad I got my first portfolio review. The professor who evaluated my work seemed really pleased with what she saw. She even went so far as to say that she didn't think I'd have any problem getting accepted if I did apply. That felt so good to hear...

Came home early noon to find my cousins and sisters dancing in the livingroom like a bunch of cracked-out-Harlem-shaking epileptics. Went to Wal-Mart to find hair glue (hehe, good stuff). Made it to Andres' going-away party. I still can't believe you're going into the freaking navy. Make love, not war. :( You have to come back and sing "Bed of Roses" with my dad again.

And I couldn't help it... this picture was just too adorable to keep to myself. Hope you don't mind, lol.

HE SAID, SHE SAID...

2004-10-22T17:02:00.000-05:00

He said he's going into the navy soon.

She said I should listen to dinnertable conversations more carefully.

He said that I've been "deviant in my sexual acts."

She said she got everything she wanted when she was a child.

He said I'm a "good egg."

She said I need to eat more. (And then she gave me a Slim Fast bar)

He said that I look adopted.

She said I need to grow my hair long again.

He said I should eat at Monster Sushi in the city.

She said she "races like a pisshorse."

He said, "I don't think who we were is really as important as who we're trying to be."

ANNUAL POSEURS

2004-10-17T17:15:00.000-05:00

I'm too hard up for a real Halloween costume. Since I'm usually so clean-cut, I figured some makeup and a little offbeat jewelry would suffice. What do you think? Is the septum piercing working for me? Little Asian harlot wants some candy.

My first class at Adelphi today was interesting. We had to attach charcoal to the end of wooden dowel rods and draw a composition from our interior surroundings, keeping our arm and the rod fully extended to our pads. If you've ever seen me draw, my nose is practically 2 inches away from the paper. Somewhat physically inconvenient at first. My back hurts. Sucky posture. Wait. I can't sit on that chair... someone might be drawing it. Very restricting. I liked it.

I've been really messed up lately.

HELLO?

2004-10-15T15:02:00.000-05:00

Ear candy on a Friday night.

"I think I'm crazy, baby.
I let you off the hook too easy.
If you were a telephone, you'd still be off the hook.
This is my last leg. Been awake for days.
In a minute, I'll die of starvation.
I'll come back a ghost if I can haunt you
And float around your room.
What do I do when you get close?
If I kiss your neck, would you slit my throat?
Are you thinking of me
When you're putting on your makeup, darling?
And dyeing your hair like you do?
Well, you're wasting your time if you're trying to impress me;
I waste all my time just thinking of you."

"Moshi, Moshi" - Brand New

Good song. Timeless.

Homecoming Parade tomorrow.

BROKEN PIECES OF BUSY

2004-10-12T18:54:00.000-05:00

"Joyceline may know a thing or two about art, but she doesn't know anything about acupuncture."

"Use your Buddhist powers. Your yin yang."

"Do what Joyceline does. Actually, I've been watching her, and I still don't know what she's doing..."

"I can get you into a headlock.... like this!"

"Yeah, I don't like this building either."

"Are you a freshman? How old are you? You're so short!"

"Isn't this color just absolutely delicious? I just wanna eat it."

"Did you wash your hands with that?"

The absence of another manic Monday has blessed us with only a four-day week. I won't complain.

Kudos to the freshman class's little Asian Invasion for creating such a gorgeous homecoming banner. And a day before the deadline too. Such diligent children. I praise you. Yeah, you guys know you won, haha.

Do me a favor and tell Kenneth how awesome he is.

THUNDER RENEGADE

2004-10-08T23:57:00.000-05:00

"What's that noise?"

It was a kitten. Male? Female? We didn't know. We called it "Thunder Renegade." Thunder Renegade would visit our yard a couple of nights each week for the past few weeks. Perhaps a stray soul of an animal? It would sleep on the tire of my dad's truck. Thunder Renegade would chant hymns. Odes of sorrow. Cracking the silence of the evening. Thunder Renegade was an old-school vagrant of a cat. Invisible to the eye. Intimate with the ear. Anonymous to the world.

But lately, Thunder Renegade has been nowhere to be found. I wonder where it could be. Wanderlust maybe? Please pray for Thunder Renegade. And always remember... "Every time you masturbate, God kills a kitten."

Happy Birthday, Mom.

SHUT UP!

2004-10-05T19:06:00.000-05:00

You know what's been really bothering me lately? That band. Simple Plan. That song. "Welcome To My Life." Is it just me, or is every Simple Plan song about how much their life "sucks?" You're at the highest echelon of mainstream music, making millions of dollars doing what you love for a living... don't freakin' tell me that your life sucks. If their life sucks, then most of us probably should've killed ourselves a long time ago. Ah, yes... the ills and hardships of being raised in a milk-fed upper middle class family, only to obtain pop culture eminence before being old enough to lose your hair. Go away, Simple Plan. Just go away.

CURING CREATIVE CONSTIPATION

2004-10-03T09:37:00.000-05:00

I found out about this on Sinta and Andy's site. This should intrigue caffeine addicts, insomniacs, drunkards and writers everywhere. What an awesome idea...

"National Novel Writing Month is a fun, seat-of-your-pants approach to novel writing. Participants begin writing November 1. The goal is to write a 175-page (50,000-word) novel by midnight, November 30...."
-NaNoWriMo

A small mess of broken storylines have been lingering within the depths of my subconscious for a while, so maybe I could use this little project as an opportunity to finally tie my thoughts together into something that could quite possibly resemble a real novel. I might even come up with something I like. I've written a few short stories before... but a novel? In 30 days? Inspiration is the most elusive goal. This could become every perfectionist's nightmare. Or every thinker's dream. I've never been so devil-may-care with my writing. I might go crazy. It'll be great.

"Make no mistake: You will be writing a lot of crap. And that's a good thing. By forcing yourself to write so intensely, you are giving yourself permission to make mistakes. To forgo the endless tweaking and editing and just create. To build without tearing down."

THROWN OUT OF ROUTINE

2004-10-01T15:37:00.000-05:00

This week felt orgasmically overextensive.

My parents finally approved of my visit to Pratt's Undergraduate Open House this month. My first college choice visit. Finally.

I'll be participating in Adelphi University's Art Foundations Program. I haven't taken any art classes outside of school, so I'm really looking forward to this. I was told that there were going to be nude figure drawing classes. I love to draw people, but when I do, they're usually wearing clothes... This should be interesting.

Photography field trip next Tuesday. I really should get my camera fixed. The battery compartment is being held shut with scotch tape. And I also still need a new camera case. I inherited my SLR from my Dad, and its case resembles a leather lunch box. Umm... can I borrow yours, Tinks? :(

We need a yearbook cover drawn out by the end of the month. Theme: "I've Had The Time Of My Life, And I Owe It All To You." (I think those are the exact words.) Very broad. Right now, I have no idea. (We started the baby/kindergarten pages today, and they'll probably be done sometime early next week, so if you haven't sent the staff any pictures yet, hurry it up. You know who you are.)

Homecoming in a couple of weeks. No float this year. We have nowhere to work on it. (The driver's ed garage was converted into an art suite -- which is gorgeous, by the way...hehe.) Sammi had this idea of assembing a Chinese-style parade dragon instead. I think it would make a nice alternative.

I have a lot of thinking to do this weekend.

OCTOBER IS FILIPINO-AMERICAN HISTORY MONTH! REPRESENT! :D Teehee.

TALK TO ME

2004-09-28T15:29:00.000-05:00

"Joyceline, you don't have herpes, do you?"

"You're my favorite wife."

"Hey, after school, let's have sex."

"What did you get on your thingy?"

"That was my mom... she just saluted me. She's like 'Yeah! That's my gay soldier!'"

"It was like going through your underwear drawer... there's granny underwear, and sexy underwear and sometimes menstrual underwear..."

Helped represent the school's GSA (Gay-Straight Alliance) at Back-To-School Night behind our rainbow-clad lunch table last night. One of us was smart enough to bake cookies for the parents (which were supposedly Atkins-friendly, by the way. Er... the cookies, not the parents). Some parents were actually very intrigued by the club. Others? Hmm... disgusted/apathetic/hungry.

Ahhh! One of my art teachers found my blog a few weeks ago. How weird is that? I love you, Cord. And it's okay if you're reading this. Haha.

Also, would anyone like a Gmail invitation? I still have all six to give away. I hear that people have actually been buying these invites off of Ebay. So if you want one (at no charge of course...) just let me know. Okay? Okay. :)

"SELF-MUTILATION... WITH A SPORK!"

2004-09-23T15:58:00.000-05:00

Listen to "The Drunken Acoustic Emo Song." (The title just gives it away, doesn't it...) It's been stuck in my head all week... and now I want it stuck in yours. Stereotypical teenage despondency. Morbid humor can be therapeutic. Especially if you're me. And depressed. What a lethal combination.

This week was a quick one. I'm going to be (or rather, "should be") very busy within the next several weeks. I really need to start cracking the college application process. Seriously. Recommendation letters, admissions essays, financial aid, portfolio work, SATs -- oh dear. Pratt is having an undergraduate open house next month, and I really want to go, so if you don't mind driving to Brooklyn on a Saturday morning, please talk to me... :(

And thanks for the call. My apologies for failing to perpetuate the conversation beyond the point of a few minutes. I barely even get phone calls from people who "just want to talk," so that really made my day. It feels good to finally be able to link a name and a face with a voice. :)

STRAY MUSINGS

2004-09-22T20:39:00.000-05:00

I need to learn how to yell at people.

Turpentine is my new aphrodisiac.

Maybe I should wear skirts more often.

She said I "look like such an artist today."

I like to jump rope in my kitchen.

He doesn't like it when his boyfriend's dad makes homosexual jokes.

I hate standing on the bleachers.

I wish he'd send me more photographs of himself.

I'm very tired... I need a hug.

BITS AND PIECES

2004-09-17T12:34:00.000-05:00

"A stone. A leaf. An unfound door." Look Homeward, Angel, Thomas Wolfe. Write about three objects that would give the college admissions selection committee insight into who you are.

(I love my English class. I'm such a nerd.)

A cord : Sometimes tightly bound. Sometimes loose and ill-defined. Knotted... looped... intertwined... I have a shapeless mentality. I'm fickle. I like change. I want a revolution. I need everything to be completely different a year from now. Except for me.

A candle : There's a constant struggle to keep "the light" brightly suspended. Optimism can be frustratingly elusive... and it can only last for so long. But I try.

A lost key : I want to fit in sometimes. "Filipino-American." I can't fall flat on either side, and I never will. The balancing act can be difficult. Sometimes I get upset when "doors won't open," and other times I'm more comfortable just standing in the hallway. This probably explains why I tend to "shut people out." I'll be okay.

In all randomness, I found an interesting post on a fortune cookie thread at the RBJ Forums. Someone had this cute idea of adding "in bed" to the end of all of your fortunes. Since I'm such a pack rat, I actually still save some of my fortunes. (Asian quirk?) Here's what they [should] say:

"Your lover will never wish to leave [in bed]."

"You have a quiet and unobstrusive nature [in bed]."

"You will have a romantic encounter very soon [in bed]."

"Your sense of humor is contagious [in bed]."

HIKARI

2004-09-14T17:07:00.001-05:00

I think I'm dying. Or maybe it's just allergies. I don't know. I just don't feel well. Nasal congestion is the worst. Especially when you're at school, and forced to think without having the ability to obtain an adequate supply of oxygen at the same time.

I got my first assignment for my polaroid class today. We're pretty much allowed to shoot whatever we want (except for ducks...yes, ducks...or happy little children...), which is such a turnaround for me since my last photography class placed so many limits on what we were allowed to take pictures of last year. So suddenly, I can do whatever I want with my camera. But now I don't know what to take pictures of, lol. A lot of the pictures I took last year were taken within the confines of my backyard. (I don't know why, but writing that makes me feel like such a dirtbag.) Some of the photographs were actually very good, but I can't just stay in my backyard anymore. I'm sorry, but there's nothing really worth photographing in Levittown. Except for my grandfather. He's my favorite historic landmark.

Maybe I should take more pictures of people? I took a lot of pictures of random objects last year. (Maybe I have a latent fascination with inanimate objects. Photography fetishes. Haha.) When I did decide to photograph people, they were usually people I knew. (Uncooperative relatives. You know who you are. :P) I need to find some good strangers [outside of suburbia].